Just Be Normal

Social norms can be a useful way for Christians to become more Christ-like.

I apologize for the missing newsletter last week. My wife had a baby and writing a newsletter simply wasn’t happening; however, I am back at it this week, so don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t already.

Social Norms

With the arrival of our first child, I have understandably been thinking a lot about fatherhood. While there are too many thoughts and feelings that fatherhood brings, I have been particularly focused on the type of man that I want my son to be. At the same time, I have been forced to reevaluate the type of person that I am, recognizing that the example I set with my actions will be profoundly impactful.

I’m not going to delve deep into my own personal experience, but it has been interesting to rethink through all of the different experiences that have helped shape who I am. It will not come as a surprise that some of these experiences were massive, life-altering experiences, whereas others were seemingly less monumental but just as influential due to their consistency. An example of the latter: I will not walk through another person’s front yard to this day because my mom made sure I stayed on the sidewalk and driveway as a kid.

It is certainly true that major, life-altering events are impactful, but in some ways the smaller, more consistent experiences can be more formative. This is why there is so much focus on forming “good habits” because there is a recognition that small, consistent experiences are instrumental in shaping a person. Habits are essential and Christians in particular should be attentive to the type of habits that form us; however, I want to go a step beyond individual habits and talk about social norms.

One way to describe social norms (albeit not the only) is as habits in which society participates. They are things that people do in their interactions with each other that are expected and understood by everybody within a particular context. They are “social” in that they were not handed down by God but developed by humans over time. For example, in the South it is commonplace to say “yes ma’am” in response to a woman. In fact, it is an expectation of many southern parents that their kids will say “sir” and “ma’am” when addressing an adult.

It would be easy to criticize social norms as “made up” and not necessary. Going back to my example, are northern kids more disrespectful if they don’t say “ma’am?” Certainly not. So, why should anyone really care about social norms?

Since social norms are like habits, they are critical in helping shape the way that people are. Saying “sir” and “ma’am” promotes a particular respect for people that are considered one’s elders. It communicates a standard in which people are expected to live by. This means that we ought to promote social norms that help shape people into the kind of people that they ought to be.

Christians have an image of the ideal person in the form of Jesus Christ. If the goal of Christians is to glorify God by becoming more like Jesus, then we ought to establish social norms that promote this outcome.

Culture

This may seem like confusing language, but it is essentially what people talk about when they refer to “culture.” The essence of culture is to “cultivate” or develop towards a desired outcome. In gardening, a gardener cultivates their garden with the desired outcome of producing whatever fruits and vegetables. The social norms of a particular group of people is what makes up their culture.

What social norms should Christians emphasize in order to develop a culture that produces people who are like Jesus? There are broad attitudes or disciplines that all Christians should partake in (fruits of the Spirit, honesty, prayer, bible reading, etc.); however, there are other social norms that will be more dependent on the context. For example, hugging a friend in small group may be a wonderful way to display care and love. Hugging a coworker may be completely inappropriate.

As a result, I can’t give a specific list of the exact social norms that all Christians or Christian organizations ought to do. The social norms of a church are going to look significantly different than the social norms of a business even if that business is Christian-led and/or centric. It is more so a call for Christians to be intentional in what social norms they create or allow to develop within the various organizations.

Social norms alone aren’t going to turn someone into a more Christ-like person; the Spirit is still necessary to change hearts. Like spiritual disciplines though, the Spirit can and does use social norms to help turn Christians into more Christ-like people. It is another way that God uses ordinary things to accomplish His supernatural plan.

How should we greet each other? How should we dress? How should meetings be formatted? How should the building be laid out? Again, these seem like basic, insignificant things but with intentionality, they can become profoundly formative.

This goes beyond Christian organizations and addresses how Christians should interact with the broader culture as well. Christians ought to have established social norms that are a model culture to the secular world. Like the dietary restrictions of Leviticus that made Israel distinct from the other nations, Christians should be distinct from the rest of the world because of the social norms that they participate in with the intent of making them more like Christ.

A Christian run business should have different social norms than secular run businesses. A Christian friendship should have different social norms than secular friendships. A Christian school should have different social norms than secular schools. This doesn’t mean taking the social norms of the world and sprinkling a little Jesus in to make it “Christian.” It means intentionally creating and maintaining uniquely Christian social norms that develop a distinctly Christian culture that serves as an example to the rest of the world.

Shame

This brings me to my last point and probably the most controversial: how are these social norms enforced? The reality is that social norms aren’t “enforced” in the sense that people are not made to abide by them by force. There is not a law in the South that everybody must say “yes ma’am.” Nobody gets arrested when they fail to say it. It is enforced through shame.

To our current day ears, the word shame brings with it all sorts of baggage and provokes repugnant emotions. It brings to mind ideas of puritans (a caricature of the puritans I’ll add) and pharisees shaming people for every little sin. This is because we only think shame as a verb, but shame is also a noun.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the noun “shame” is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” In other words, it is an internal feeling that a person has when they have done wrong. Shame is an inherently good thing for a person to feel when they have done wrong and central to the very fabric of healthy relationships.

For example, I feel shame when I am snarky or short with my wife. Sometimes I feel this shame from my own conviction. Other times (more times than not) I feel this shame after she has expressed her displeasure with me for being snarky or short. When my wife confronts my snarkiness is she shaming me? In a sense, yes. She is provoking me to feel shame. Does that mean she shouldn’t say anything as to not “shame me?” Of course not.

Now, that doesn’t mean she makes me feel ashamed by being harsh and condemning me. She is usually very gracious in expressing her displeasure which frequently increases the shame I feel. The shame that I feel, and which she provoked, is meant to drive me to be less snarky in the future. It is healthy and necessary for my sanctification.

Shame can be useful in preventing evil behavior to begin with. A man may desperately want to cheat on his wife, but knows that his children, parents, friends, and colleagues will think less of him. Preemptively experiencing that shame can be useful in preventing that man from cheating on his wife and hopefully lead to repentance with significantly less damage done.

I’m not saying that this is a cure-all for sin. A wicked heart can be and will be hardened to repentance and shame no matter the social norms, but it can serve as a worthwhile guardrail for Christians. It is essentially Christian accountability. Again, this ought to be done with grace and humility, but it ought to be done nonetheless. While empathy (understanding the feelings of others) is important, it should not lead to absolute tolerance as to never invoke shame.

Shame is the enforcement mechanism for the social norms upheld by Christians with the intent of producing more Christ-like believers.

God Bless,

Hunter Burnett