Don't Fumble the Chips and Salsa

Don't drop the ball and make everyone at your party experience the dreaded scoop and score.

Super Bowl Sunday

As almost everybody in America already knows, this Sunday is the big finale to the NFL season with the Super Bowl. Now, I have absolutely no vested interest in the game and honestly could not care less about who wins. In fact, I couldn’t tell you the last NFL game I watched from beginning to end. That’s the best part about the Super Bowl though. Most of the people who host Super Bowl parties and/or watch the game actually don’t care about the game itself or the teams playing in it. Some people just love football, others just want to see the halftime show, and others merely care about the commercials.

Then, others are there to have a good time and eat some good food. I’m not going to say that this is me but the Super Bowl may be the only time that I really enjoy eating snacky food. Everybody seems to have an opinion on the best snack or the best way to do pigs in a blanket. But, nobody really talks about the most quintessential Super Bowl snack: chips and salsa.

I think the reason why this is rarely a topic of conversation is that chips and salsa are so easy to prepare. You just go to the store and get a bag of chips, usually Tostitos, and a jar of salsa, and you are done, right? Absolutely not. In fact, this is a disgrace. More than pigs in a blanket, more than wings, and certainly more than the hamburgers/hotdogs, chips and salsa are a crucial component of any Super Bowl party. They are the go-to, fall back, most consistent snack option with minimal investment in time or effort in the eating process. You can grab 1 or you can grab 15. You don’t need a napkin, fork, or even really a plate (in non-COVID years especially). You don’t have to eat them all at once but can munch on them the whole time instead. If that’s the case, then it’s essential you get the chips and salsa right. So, how do you do that?

No Scoops

This may be the singular most controversial thing I will ever write but it must be said. The quickest way to make your chip and salsa selection subpar is to listen to the guy who declares, “Make sure you get the scoops.” The scoops get hyped up as if they are a filet mignon from the nicest steakhouse in New York City. Instead, they are a hamburger steak you bought from Wal-Mart and found in the back of your freezer a few months later. Not only do scoops not deserve the hype, but they are also significantly inferior to another Tostitos offering: the Tostitos Bite Size Rounds.

Let me use a Braves analogy. The Tostitos Bite Size Rounds are the Brian McCann of the 2002 MLB draft. Everybody can see the potential and talent but they are too mesmerized by the Jeff Francoeur of the scoops to fully appreciate them. When the scoops first came out, they won everybody over through the sheer ingenuity of the idea. Eventually, though, the newness faded, and the steady, consistent, longevity of the Rounds leaves the comparisons null and void. Who knows, the scoops may soon be doing cheap commercials and poorly announcing baseball games.

The primary reason that the scoops fall short is the very thing that makes them popular: the shape. Yes, the shape is great for scooping salsa BUT how do you bite it? You see, you can eat the scoops in one bite but you are left with the sides of the chip jamming into the roof of your mouth as you awkwardly try and figure out how to continue. The other option is to awkwardly bite half of the chip but the potential for salsa spillage is a dangerous game. Plus, there is the potential for eating all of the salsa and being stuck with a half chip with no salsa and no options left (unless you want to experience the social shame of double-dipping).

The Bite Size Rounds, though, have none of these downsides. They are the perfect size to one bite the whole thing without a second thought, you can easily chew them without having to worry about getting stitches in your mouth from the sides performing the same function as an oral surgeon, and the salsa scoop is just as high quality. There quite frankly is no debate.

The Salsa Standard

Now for the salsa. This is the part of the dynamic duo of Super Bowl snacks that allows for some creativity. Personally, I prefer the fresh, spicy salsa from Kroger but I realize that everyone may not use Kroger as their supermarket of choice. Therefore, I don’t want to condemn anyone who goes another route here but we still have some standards.

First, the salsa has to be refrigerated. It is absolutely inexcusable to bring salsa to a party that has sat in a jar in the same aisle with the chips at room temperature for weeks. I’m not sure what that stuff is, but calling it salsa is being generous. Refrigerated salsa tells your guests that you value freshness over the convenience of choosing the first salsa you see after grabbing the chips.

This brings me to my second standard: it’s gotta have at least a little spice. I’m not saying you need to be crying on the couch and sucking down water in an act of sheer survival, but there has to be little something to remind you that it’s not all fun and games. I think a good spice-o-meter is a salsa that you can eat maybe 5 chips, each one building in spice, before reaching for water.

Finally, remember that the salsa is for the adults in the room that actually eat salsa. If you are a child that slightly dips the corner of the chip in just to get it a little wet with tomato juice, then you don’t deserve high-quality chips or salsa. You can stick with that stuff in the jar at room temperature in the chip aisle while the adults eat real salsa.

Conclusion

I hope this helps anyone hosting a (COVID safe) Super Bowl Party to provide a quality chip and salsa experience for their guests. I don’t wish a failed chips and salsa attempt on any host because only queso and guac will serve as recovery. As C.S. Lewis wrote, “We are sitting by the tv eating scoops and lukewarm red stuff when Bite-Size Rounds with slightly spicy, refrigerated salsa is offered us.” Something like that.

God Bless,

Hunter Burnett

P.S. Please subscribe to get all of my weekly newsletters!